Tilly Gee - Red Flowers in a Rosé Bottle - HIGHLY COMMENDED
Yelverton, UK
This piece is a manifestation of my experience with trauma. The threads here can either be perceived as lavish decoration, or as heavy strands weighing down the delicate flowers as they unravel.
On many levels it is a self-portrait. In the past I have tried to break away from using flowers to talk about myself because as a child in the countryside all I ever wanted was to move to a big city and start my life. Nevertheless, the woods of my home have attached themselves to the deepest parts of me. The familiarity and safety of where I grew up and the nature that surrounds it has comforted me at my weakest.
After I was sexually violated by somebody that I lived with in September of 2019 everything felt out of control. I had this deep, visceral fear that if I explained how I was feeling or asked for help, I would just have it confirmed to me that I was beyond fixing. The portrayals of sexual assault victims I was used to seeing in the media were almost entirely tragic women who found it impossible to get past their experiences. The psychological agony seemed to take over their entire life. I was scared of allowing myself to acknowledge my own pain in case I could never escape it, just like them.
By creating this piece, I gave myself the opportunity to shine a light on emotions I had been trying to supress. It articulates how I feel unable to trust myself just to be fine. It represents the way that I wake up every morning pretty much ok, but I am always aware of my own instability, worried that if I lie in bed longer than I should, if I let myself think a little more than is comfortable, if I don’t keep myself distracted enough, I might collapse, and this time I won’t be able to get up again. I wanted to indicate how exhausting it can be to need to look after yourself all the time.
In the aftermath I felt like I didn’t really understand who I was or how I fit into the world anymore. The experience challenged my perception of myself so thoroughly that at times it felt as if I no longer even existed. This artwork allows me to acknowledge my pain, anger and fear, as well as my strength and fundamental character. I needed to make space for this new idea of myself as a victim to exist alongside my established self-image, rather than be at odds with it.
The composition presented here is one of flowers in full bloom, but I wanted it to seem as if they exist on the edge, so that one or two extra threads would be enough for the entire thing to collapse. Mental health is a wide ranging concept, of which my personal experience is only a small part, but as isolating as this can feel I think the emotions I am exploring are ones that many people can connect to, however their individual struggle may present itself.
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